It's been too long since my last blog post about how I take care of my natural hair. It's a struggle trying to force myself to sit down and write on a regular basis--especially since I'm not in school anymore. But, I digress. I've been wanting to write about self-esteem and self-acceptance for a long time now, and to my surprise, Instagram gave me that final push.
Where I Think It All Started
Like all other tweens and teeny-boppers, my body went through some changes in the fifth grade and middle school. It was like my feet grew over night and I grew armpit hair out of nowhere (TMI?). But, those weren't the problem.
I realized that some of my crushes didn't like girls with glasses. Or they liked girls with big butts and big boobs. No one wanted to dance with the skinny girl. Guys liked girls who looked exotic (which I'm sure is offensive to people who come from other countries and don't appreciate being called "exotic") or mixed race. I wore glasses; I had small boobs; I had no butt; I was super skinny. I was all of these things, and because I didn't "match up" to guys' expectations of what they liked in a girl, I thought I was ugly.
Now that I look back, I realize that seeing all of my friends physically mature and therefore get noticed by these boys, made me feel like I was worthless. When I'd go to the mall with a group of my friends, those boys would talk to them--not to me.
That's when I started to weigh my self-worth in terms of how much attention I could get from boys.
I Went Too Far
It got to a point where I hid behind computer screens and pretended to be someone I wasn't. I'm not proud of it, but I did catfish people in the past. I did it because I thought no one else would find me attractive if I didn't find myself attractive. My worries proved me right, and all the guys I thought were cute, were more interested in the girls I pretended to be.
I thought I was so popular behind the computer screen because I got all of that attention from boys who were only interested in how the pictures looked. I "dated" some of these boys under false names, false ages, and false background stories. None of it was real, but the attention boosted my ego and it helped me feel better about myself.
But, in real life, I still felt like the same old ugly girl. Pretending to be someone else helped my ego for only a little while. In order to try to turn myself around, I deleted the profiles with the fake names and fake photos. In one instance, I told a person who I really was. Our relationship was never the same, but at least I came clean.
From that point on, I vowed to never lie about myself just to appease someone else. In the end, who does it really help?
How I Learned to Love Myself and Boost My Self-Esteem
It was a long process that took me years. I didn't start loving myself the way I should until I was in college, and that's because I didn't tell anyone about my self-acceptance issues. I wouldn't let anyone help me, so I had to wait until I was mature enough to do it on my own.
1. I stopped taking photos of myself for other people. I took selfies because I liked the way I look.
2. I told myself "I love you" every now and then.
3. I realized if you think you're beautiful, you are.
4. Self-love and self-esteem works from the inside out. I reminded myself of all of my accomplishments and talents, which reminded me that I'm intelligent, passionate about writing, and dedicated to making my grandma proud. It doesn't matter how I look on the outside if my insides are 10x as beautiful.
5. I took matters into my own hands when it came to my physical appearance. I didn't like my upper lip hair, so I invested in some facial razors. I didn't like the fact that my arms were really skinny, so I worked out and focused on building my arm strength. I took more interest in my hair and taking care of it because my hair makes me feel beautiful. I learned how to do my makeup. These are just small steps I took because my goals were easily attainable.
6. I learned that many times, men equate beauty with how a woman's body looks. If she has a big butt and big boobs, it's very likely that a guy will try and talk to her. Or, she'll be popular on Instagram. But her beauty or body doesn't make me any less beautiful. "Comparison is the thief of joy," Theodore Roosevelt once said.
7. I also learned that there are beauty standards. Women with certain body types and facial features will more likely be praised than women without them. That's really messed up, but it's true. Think about it; if you're very petite, haven't you ever thought about getting some enhancements to your butt or your boobs? If you're dark-skinned, have you ever felt less pretty than those who are light-skinned? These are common issues many women struggle with, and many of us continue to struggle with them. If you feel like you need to change how you look to feel beautiful, then by all means go ahead. But I truly hope that young girls out there can learn from someone that they are beautiful just the way they are.
Of course I still have those days and those moments when I don't feel the most beautiful. It's okay to feel like that sometimes, but if it's unbearable, you should talk to someone.
For the Parents, Legal Guardians, and Grandparents Out There
Remind your child that they are beautiful the way they are. There's so much peer pressure to look a certain way, especially if you're black. Remind them that their noses are beautiful; their skin color is beautiful; their hair is beautiful. Remind them that opinions are just that--opinions.
It's so difficult growing up, but having a family to rely on and depend on for guidance and assurance makes life a little bit easier for everyone.
With Love,
The Wrighter
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